This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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