i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Never underestimate the power of titties
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
