If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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