I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
there's paper in my vomit.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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