dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i believe in u and ur pee
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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