Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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