My girlfriend figured out who you are.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
