biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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