I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
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