I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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