Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
