How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
