I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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