I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
two words...techno handjob
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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