What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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