your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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