I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
