Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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