is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
