If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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