positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't deserve a penis
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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