a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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