i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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