k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
