Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
