so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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