I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize