dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You need a sexual gate keeper
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think my moral compass just broke
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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