My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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