I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
