he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
