After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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