my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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