a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
