You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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