she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize