guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
