Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize