fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
