Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
