No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Someone came in the potted fern
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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