Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
