So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
