I just pynch a tree in the face
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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