remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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