just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
