I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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