Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
