Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
