90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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