My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
