Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
