he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize