Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
