His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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