And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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